A Post That Is Sort Of About Football

It's football season again! As I've said before, I know that having an emotional investment in spectator sports is basically silly - I mean, there are much more important things to get worked up about, like these questions, for example. But again, it's fun, and that's sort of the whole purpose.

The Seahawks won their season opener in major heart-attack fashion, but I won't be doing a game recap or an analysis or anything like that - there are a lot of other good places you can go for that sort of thing. Instead, I thought I'd share with you a random train of thought I had on Sunday night when the Patriots-Cardinals game was on, which was: what are my feelings towards the other thirty-one teams in the league?

I know that sounds kind of weird, but it was sparked off by my wondering "which of these two teams do I detest more?" The answers to that question and the other question I posed above are now presented to you here as a public service to those who actually care about the strange things that go on in my head (which is sort of why you're reading this blog in the first place, right?)

Oh, and if I happen to diss your favorite team (do people still say "diss"?), just remember that this is all in good fun and that I still love you as a person. We are all in this together.

Arizona Cardinals: I only dislike this team because they're in the same division as the Seahawks and have become annoyingly good.

Atlanta Falcons: I kinda like their old logo better. The one they have now makes the falcon's wings look like legs.

Baltimore Ravens: Cleveland is a town known for its sports-related suffering. I can only imagine what they must have been thinking after the Browns left, became the Ravens, and then won the Super Bowl.

Buffalo Bills: don't really care, other than the fact that they're on the Seahawks' schedule this year. So for one week, I will hate them with a burning passion.

Carolina Panthers: the Seahawks are playing them again? Sheesh.

Chicago Bears: they were fun in the '80s.

Cincinnati Bengals: I like their helmets. Much better than the old ones that had "BENGALS" written across the sides.

Cleveland Browns: see "Baltimore Ravens" above. Hey, at least the Cavs won the NBA championship.

Dallas Cowboys: they were my favorite team when I was growing up in Hawaii, mainly because (a) Hawaii has no professional football team, and (b) all the local TV stations showed either Cowboys games or 49ers games (or both). I even have Aikman and Smith jerseys stashed away somewhere. But then I moved to the Pacific Northwest and the Cowboys started doing some strange things with Bill Parcells and whatnot, so I sort of broke up with them. Now they're like an ex, where you just peripherally take notice of stuff they're up to but you try not to get too involved and when you see they're having problems you just kind of think "man, am I glad I don't have to deal with that drama anymore."

Denver Broncos: thank you for Super Bowl XLVIII.

Detroit Lions: this team makes me think of Thanksgiving, which makes me hungry.

Green Bay Packers: I love how this is a fan-owned team. They are very cool. Stop being so cool. And so good. You already have nine NFL titles and four Super Bowl wins. Heck, the Super Bowl trophy is named after one of your coaches. Stop it. Let someone else have a chance. Still, I can't hate you because you are so cool. Unlike some other really good teams that I will talk about later.

Houston Texans: I love how they named their team the "Texans" in an effort to try and prevent another relocation like that of the Oilers. News flash, guys - if the team moves, they will just change the name.

Indianapolis Colts: I like this team for some strange reason. Except, of course, when they're playing the Seahawks, which isn't scheduled to happen this year, unless they meet in the Super Bowl in which case I will abhor them with the fury of a thousand suns

Jacksonville Jaguars: what is with the two-tone helmets, you guys? Seriously.

Kansas City Chiefs: okay, your stadium is loud. Fine. Whatever.

Los Angeles Rams: another team that I only dislike because they're in the same division as the Seahawks. Unlike the Cardinals, they are not annoyingly good, but they are annoyingly good at beating the Seahawks for some reason.

Miami Dolphins: yes, Sunday sucked. I know.

Minnesota Vikings: it looks really cold there in the winter.

New England Patriots: okay, this is probably - no, definitely - the team that I detest the most. Not only do they win everything in sight no matter who is on their roster, but they won the Super Bowl-who-will-not-be-named, they're proven cheaters (that link is just one example), and Tom Brady is just plain irritating. But despite all of that, I found myself rooting for them to win on Sunday night because the Cardinals are in the same division as the Seahawks and man is professional football silly or what.

New Orleans Saints: see "Indianapolis Colts" above, but replace "Super Bowl" with "NFC playoffs." Which, if you're gonna lose at home to the Raiders, is probably not gonna happen this season ZING

New York Giants: I've always wanted to visit New York. Looks like a fun place.

New York Jets: I've always wanted to visit New York. Looks like a fun place.

Oakland Raiders: sort of cool because when you watch A's games, the football markings are still on the field. And their fans in the south end zone (the "Black Hole") have awesome costumes.

Philadelphia Eagles: I like their uniforms. They were always pretty cool with the green and the wings on the helmet and whatnot. Apparently their fans hate Santa Claus, which is funny.

Pittsburgh Steelers: probably my second least-favorite team, next to the Patriots. They used to beat up on the Cowboys when I lived in Hawaii, they (and the refs) beat the Seahawks in Super Bowl XL, and they're just annoying in general. Still, I will root for them to beat NFC teams, like the Redskins on Monday night. Football is so weird

San Diego Chargers: I dig those powder blue uniforms.

San Francisco 49ers: okay, I dislike this team because they're division rivals of the Seahawks, but also because they were the "other" team in Hawaii when I was growing up (see "Dallas Cowboys" above). The highlight of Frank Clark making that catch in the end zone still makes me groan to this day. I love San Francisco, the town, but I hate San Francisco, the football team.

Seattle Seahawks: at first, I became enamored with this team because I after I relocated, they were the only thing that local TV showed on Sundays. But then, after Pete Carroll was hired (which, I will admit, I was skeptical about) and Russell Wilson became the starter at quarterback, I really began to buy into the whole "positive thinking" approach that they and the team adopted. I'm sort of a pessimist by nature (exacerbated by my fandom of the neighboring Seattle Mariners), but I noticed that the whole never-say-die attitude seemed to be paying off for the team in improbable last-minute victories (like this past Sunday), so I got a little inspired by that. I'm not a bandwagon fan, though, because I lived though the whole early 2000s deal with Super Bowl XL and the rest of that stuff (see "Pittsburgh Steelers," above.)

Tampa Bay Buccaneers: I love their uniforms, both old and new. I mean, c'mon, that Creamsicle orange was epic.

Tennessee Titans: um...yay, Marcus Mariota? I guess that's what I'm supposed to say, being from Hawaii and all.

Washington Redskins: nickname issues aside, I feel predisposed to dislike this team because of their rivalry with the Cowboys and how annoying their owner appears to be. Although, I've never actually met him, so I wouldn't really know. Just like how you shouldn't idolize people that you've never met (Joel, I'm talking about Marshall Byle here), you shouldn't demonize them either, unless it's really totally obvious that they're a complete jerk because the truth usually lies somewhere in the middle and this is getting way too heavy for a post about football so I'll just stop here. Go Hawks!