|Even my new blue-and-green sonic screwdriver could not save the Seahawks.|
Atlanta Falcons: congrats on your Madden-like offense.
Baltimore Ravens: two months ago I said "please beat the Cowboys this weekend (check back in January to see what kind of effect this statement had.)" Apparently it had a jinxing effect.
Buffalo Bills: they had the top rushing offense this year? How did that happen?
Carolina Panthers: I kept my mouth shut and the Seahawks beat them handily. Earl Thomas did get injured in that game, though, so there's that.
Chicago Bears: Mike Ditka looks really old in those new commercials for whatever it is he's selling.
Cincinnati Bengals: I can't believe those striped helmets have been around since 1981.
Cleveland Browns: hey, at least you won a game. And you still have the first pick in the 2017 draft.
Dallas Cowboys: last time I said "now the ex has gotten a new makeover and/or a fancy car and suddenly looks way hotter than you remember them." Well, now the ex has been dumped by whoever paid for that car and you're trying to take the high road and not bask in the sweet, sweet schadenfreude.
Denver Broncos: hey, at least you won last year's Super Bowl.
Detroit Lions: good game, fellas. Let's do it again sometime.
Green Bay Packers: two months ago, I said that they were jinxed. Well, yeah, maybe not so much now. Between them and the Falcons, I think the last team to have the ball on Sunday is going to win.
Houston Texans: hey, at least you made the playoffs.
Indianapolis Colts: I only just realized now, after five seasons, how cool and appropriate - albeit a little on-the-nose - it is for this team, with its horseshoe logo, to have a quarterback named "Luck." Seriously, you can't (and shouldn't) make up stuff like that.
Jacksonville Jaguars: so they did what I talked about last time and fired Gus Bradley. Seems like the odds of him coming back to Seattle are pretty slim, though, since Kris Richard didn't get the Buffalo job.
Kansas City Chiefs: I guess loud stadiums don't always pay off (look, the Seahawks lost to the Cardinals at home, blowing their chances for the #2 seed, so I feel ya.)
Los Angeles Rams: I will say nothing about their new coach since it will probably come back to bite the Seahawks next season.
Miami Dolphins: hey, at least you made the playoffs.
Minnesota Vikings: hey, at least you have an awesome new stadium.
New England Patriots: how does this team do it? They're the only ones to win a bazillion games every single year, no matter who is playing what position. Some people say it's because they cheat, but I'm thinking it's more because Bill Belichick is like the Gregg Popovich of football. Or maybe they cheat on top of that, who knows.
New Orleans Saints: do you guys want Jimmy Graham back? Great player, just no room for him in the Seahawks' scheme.
New York Giants: don't feel bad, the Seahawks ran into the Aaron Rodgers buzzsaw as well, as did your hated division rivals. I still remember when that guy was sitting in the green room of the 2005 draft looking morose and unwanted.
New York Jets: hey, at least you guys are based in New York, which seems like a fun city.
Oakland Raiders: Vegas-bound?
Philadelphia Eagles: I kept my mouth shut last time, and that seemed to work.
Pittsburgh Steelers: somehow I just knew you were going to end up back in the AFC Championship game. You're indestructible, like that Roethlisberger guy.
San Diego (Los Angeles) Chargers: I hate that new logo.
San Francisco 49ers: did they not want Tom Cable, or did he not want them? The world will (probably) never know.
Seattle Seahawks: I'm not a football expert by any means, and I defer the serious analysis to others, but it seems to me like the Seahawks, like most teams, have become too star-dependent - Earl Thomas being example A. They have a lot of stars, and Pete Carroll seems to do a good job, which is why they've reached the divisional round of the playoffs for five straight years. But can you imagine them going 3-1 without Russell Wilson, like how the Patriots did without Tom Brady this season? If they want to be more than the second- or third-most consistent team in the NFL (and I think Carroll has said that he "wants to do this better than anyone") then I think they have some stuff to figure out. Or, you know, maybe they can cheat.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers: super-glad the Seahawks aren't on their schedule next season.
Tennessee Titans: hey, at least you guys are based in Nashville, which I hear is a great music town.
Washington Redskins: helping to raise the profile of The Slants' trademark case.