Um...What If I'M Neurodivergent??

I've begun to wonder recently, "what if I'M autistic/on the spectrum/neurodivergent?"

I mean, it would make sense. Both of my kids have been officially diagnosed. My dad is self-diagnosed and, as detailed in this past blog post, is probably as much of a slam dunk as a self-diagnosed autistic person can be.

I've wondered about this before, but only in passing. But the production of Hold My Beer has really brought it to the forefront.

It kind of started when several of our actors did this interview with The Columbian newspaper back in January. During that interview, Lydia Pearl Pentz, who plays the character Shannon in the film, said (I'm quoting the article), "A lot of people in this industry, especially directors, are people with autism. To be a director you really do have to dive into it so deeply."

I thought, "Wait a minute, does she think I'm autistic?" Because I never said I was. But maybe I presented that way during filming?

I mean, it would make sense. I have sensory issues: I can't stand the feeling of soap between my fingers, so whenever I wash my hands, I have to scrub for two to three minutes until the sensation is gone. I don't like the tags in the collars of T-shirts. Speaking of collars, I can't sleep in a shirt that has a tight collar, or even a "normal" collar, because it makes me feel like I'm choking (my dad is the same way). I don't like the feeling of lotion on my palms, so whenever I apply lotion to my hands (which I have to do during the winter, or my skin will dry out and crack), I put it on the back of my hands and then wipe my palms with tissue.

I have OCD-like tendencies: before I go to bed at night, I have to check the locks on my door by physically touching them several times, even though I can obviously see that they're locked. When I leave the house, I have to stare at the garage door for longer than necessary to be sure that it's closed. I'll double- and triple-check that my car door is closed and locked even though I just set the alarm.

I often repeat things I say out loud back to myself in my head right after I say them, a form of echolalia (a condition in which people repeat vocalizations, sometimes associated with autism) called palilalia.

I get hyper-focused on things that interest me, and I can and will talk about them (very enthusiastically, mind you) for a very long time, even when it's apparent that the listener is getting bored.

I'm very detail-oriented, and I keep multiple spreadsheets of the projects I'm working on; for example, Hold My Beer has over 30 spreadsheets. I even keep a spreadsheet of the episodes of my band's podcast.

I think in pictures, which came in handy while writing the Joel Suzuki series.

So after wondering and thinking about it some more, I asked Karen and John Krejcha, the founders of Autism Empowerment, what they thought. We've known each other for many years, and they said that they've felt for a long time that I might be neurodivergent, but didn't want to say anything because they weren't sure how I would respond!

After that, Karen sent me some online tests. I started by taking something called the Autism Spectrum Quotient test. I scored a 15, which generally means that I'm likely not autistic. I also took the RAADS test, which is designed to assess autistic traits in adults. I scored a 47, which again means that I'm likely not autistic.

Still, I couldn't shake the feeling that I'm neurodivergent, and that I've just adopted scripts for social situations and have learned how to mask so well that I appear neurotypical - even to myself.

I mean, it would make sense.

So I took another test that Karen sent me, the CAT-Q (Camouflaging Autistic Traits Questionnaire), which measures how much someone masks their autistic traits. A score over 100 indicates that the test-taker probably camouflages to the point where it can influence other test results.

I got a 108. The average score for confirmed autistic males is 109.64.

Well, then!

Based on that result, I decided that I would take the next step and get a formal assessment. Fortunately, I know someone who performs such assessments: Dr. Anson Service, a fellow Autism Empowerment board member (who is neurodivergent himself). I went for my initial intake appointment this past Tuesday and will be doing the formal assessment tests next week.

So we shall see. Whichever way this turns out, it will have been an interesting and enlightening journey of personal self-discovery. Stay tuned!