I haven't done one of these posts since the 2016-2017 season (when I did three of them), so I figured it was time. Hopefully I won't be jinxing the entire season - which is scheduled to begin tonight - by doing so.
Arizona Cardinals: apparently you guys are supposed to be pretty good this year, especially with your shiny new DeAndre Hopkins. We shall see.
Atlanta Falcons: did you know that Fort Storm, from my band's comic book series Glorified, is modeled after Mercedes-Benz Stadium? Well, it is.
Baltimore Ravens: one of those teams with annoyingly good luck at drafting quarterbacks (at least recently, anyway). I'm sure Cleveland hates you even more now.
Buffalo Bills: apparently you guys are supposed to be even better this year - maybe even division champs. We shall see.
Carolina Panthers: are not scheduled to play the Seahawks during the regular season for what feels like the first time in forever.
Chicago Bears: So, not Nick Foles, then? Remember, like Jason Mendoza said in The Good Place, "that guy won a Super Bowl!"
Cincinnati Bengals: Joe Burrow? Well, I guess he won a National Championship.
Cleveland Browns: yeah
Dallas Cowboys: back in 2016 I described this team (who I used to follow when I lived in Hawaii due mostly to lack of options) as like "an ex, where you just peripherally take notice of stuff they're up to but you try not to get too involved." So...contract issues with Dak? Releasing Clinton-Dix? Okay, whatever, I'll look away now.
Denver Broncos: So, wait, who is your quarterback this year? Drew Lock? Honestly, I lost track after Manning retired.
Detroit Lions: I have friends who moved from Portland to the Detroit area, so there must be something to it.
Green Bay Packers: another one of those teams with annoyingly good luck at drafting quarterbacks... or not?
Houston Texans: I still kinda feel sorry for this team for blowing a 24-0 lead in last season's divisional playoff game.
Indianapolis Colts: Philip Rivers? Sure, why not, I guess.
Jacksonville Jaguars: not tanking for draft position, huh? Right...
Kansas City Chiefs: I'm sure will be missing their crowd noise as much as the Seahawks will. Congratulations on last season, by the way.
Las Vegas Raiders: I went to Las Vegas last year when doing stuff like that was still a thing. It was fun.
Los Angeles Chargers: will always be San Diego to me.
Los Angeles Rams: that new logo...
Miami Dolphins: So, not Tua Tagovailoa, then? Oh well, whatever.
Minnesota Vikings: you guys got Ngakoue from Jacksonville for just a 2nd and a conditional 5th? Man, why didn't the Seahawks do that? I mean, since we're trading the future for the present anyway (see "Seattle Seahawks" below)...
New England Patriots: the first real test to see if the Patriots are Belichick (great Subway commercial, by the way) or Brady. Although, Cam Newton isn't exactly a slouch.
New Orleans Saints: I wouldn't mind going to New Orleans one day when doing stuff like that is a thing again.
New York Giants: I wouldn't mind going to New York one day when doing stuff like that is a thing again.
New York Jets: enjoy all those first-round draft picks you got from the Seahawks.
Philadelphia Eagles: the team that the aforementioned Nick Foles won a Super Bowl with (see "Chicago Bears" above).
Pittsburgh Steelers: your city reminds me of Stranger Things, season 2.
San Francisco 49ers: I'm hoping for a post-Super Bowl-loss hangover. Because rivalries are fun, but I prefer when division opponents are just flat-out bad.
Seattle Seahawks: honestly, I think this year is kind of Super Bowl or bust. After all, you traded away a million draft choices for Jamal Adams, who you're going to have to pay a billion dollars to starting next year, not to mention the other guys in the secondary along with some other key players. Also, Pete Carroll and Russell Wilson are not getting any younger. So, you know, Go Hawks.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers: the first real test to see if the Patriots are Belichick or Brady. Although, you do have that Fournette guy now.
Tennessee Titans: no offense to Chiefs fans, but I wanted you guys to make it to the Super Bowl last year.
Washington Football Team: I like that they're finally changing the name, but doesn't "Football Team," even as an interim moniker, seem a little, I dunno, sulky? Or spiteful? Kind of like, "SIGH okay, fine, I'll change the name...to this. Happy now? Huh?"